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Bad day Bagels with Cream Cheese

April 20, 2017

I despise when I begin a day emotionally backwards...

 

Bagels...

Plural...

Topped with cream cheese and I don’t eat dairy.

 

Not the best caloric start...

and a clear sign of my emotional carry over from the day before.

 

Between bagel one and bagel two I discovered the leftover scallop potatoes and tossed them into a pan with two eggs.

A proper Feed-Your-Feelings Breakfast... I chewed and swallowed knowing my body REALLY hates to process theses “nutrients”.

 

There will be repercussions.

 

The headache began within twenty minutes and for added insult my WIOH -Witch In Our Head-  arrived like a Persian Princess straddling and elephant. Jeweled and bedazzled her palazzo pants flowing in the breeze of my discomfort.

 

You know better and do it anyway”    "Weak and foolish”

 “You thought you were so brilliant and inspiring...Have another bagel”

 

She tapped her finger to pursed lips and waited for the toaster to launch the second hockey puck carbohydrate onto my plate. Gathering her thoughts to bring another well aimed attack while my defenses were down.

 

Twenty four hours ago I connected with a group of thirty men and women all beyond six decades of living life experience.

I usually encourage those trudging with me through the muck of middle life, so this audience was on the other side...the side of Settled and Supreme Knowing.

 

But they indulged me and I was seen, I was heard, I was enjoyed, and although out matched in the wisdom department, the group was wonderfully inspiring, encouraging, and uplifting for ME.

 

Survivors of the day-in, day-out, give me HOPE.

We laughed and for once during my presentation I didn't cry! We shared and we grew during our time together...Fullness in the best possible way.

 

 Driving home I returned to wife/ mother/womanly reality, a joy which today meant a visit to the grocery store.

(Where I purchased the previously mentioned bagels)

...No one but me to point the finger at here....Blame is such a wonderful momentary illusion of deflected responsibly isn’t it?

 

Once at home the frenzy of after school/work debrief and dinner prep before evening activity departure was hijacked by the negative energy carried in from the outside world.

 

 Damage done to the ones I love during their eight hours away from the home, an extreme contrast to my uplifting time of enrichment. Today’s world had weighed on them heavily.

 

They were weary... frustration and exhaustion clung to them like stench on a skunk.

 

A boulder splash in my serene pool, clipped replies, harsh words, hurt feelings, and quietness - of a non-restorative nature - contaminated the household.

 

A quietness that invites my WIOH to pull on her cargo pants, leather gloves, and steel-toe work boots and begin demolition of my goodness.

 

 “What are you doing?" 

"Why do you think you’re the one to do it?"

"If you can't even affect the people that live under your own roof in a positive way, how can you reach out to others? Here darling, have some chocolate....”

 

In the past two years of intentional positivity I have learned every step into strength and wholeness will be met with a counter action just to see how serious I am. The test of my resolve sometimes comes from within the walls where I live, my workplace, and even from the lips those who love me the most.

 

 “Well meaning concern” translated though the WIOH’s whisper can become a sledgehammer swing splintering a freshly framed wall of confidence.

 

But let’s return to this morning...

I got up, showered, dressed, applied makeup...I have a networking meeting today.

 

Down the steps with good intentions, I auto pilot through my minutes seemingly unaware of the emotional hangover guiding my decisions.

 

Chewing on bagel #1 I frown at the note on the calendar for the meeting. A meeting I eagerly anticipate every month... potatoes... eggs..... I KNOW better than to consume food my body fights to process.... the carbohydrate headache begins to brew alongside my second cup of coffee...

My WIOH whispers tempt me to set in motion another filibuster of self doubt and my headache ramps toward debilitating.

 

Tears of frustration brim on freshly lined eyes, heaviness settles in the center of my necklace draped chest, and my WIOH helpfully opens the floodgate inviting EVERY insecurity to join the breakfast dishes swimming in the sink.

 

“Don’t go to your meeting, honey, no one will miss you and what will you offer feeling the way you do. Go shopping....Go back to bed or how about I fix you another bagel?”

 

I slid sunglasses over squinting eyes and accelerated into whatever the day would bring... I pointed the car toward the meeting knowing I had twenty five traffic burdened miles to turn in a different direction.

 

Maybe I will go shopping and skip the meeting. I hate shopping and I’m trying to spend money responsibly...I could go to Panera and order another dose of enriched, processed, sugar infused, poison... I mean I already HAVE a headache.

 

“What am I doing with my life?” “What am I supposed to be learning, teaching, offering...”  from my lips now...the WIOH DOES GOOD WORK

 

 My SOUL sister takes the floor.... the supportive, outgoing, understanding, loving twin sister of my WIOH.

She leads with stillness and compassion.

She offers a gentle hand to hold and an embroidered handkerchief. “Blot sweetie, don’t smear your liner.”

 

 As I drive up the road... not one, not two, but three butterflies flutter across my path in the first quarter of mile...an answer for me as bold as a neon billboard.

 

Fragile wings propelling against the invisible breeze put in front of me on this day, in this moment, for me to see.

 

I'm becoming.

Another butterfly now... White this time....

An example of the miracle of transformation waiting for me to allow it to happen discomfort and all....I'm going to continue on.

 

At my meeting, kindness, encouragement, and gratitude lessen the pain I carry.

 

On to work, connections with valued friends ease my insecurity and bolster my steps... and home again to a happy puppy and a settled family.

 

Today’s world was gentle and healing for me despite the rocky start.

 

The butterfly effect...every word, touch, kindness, and harm offered and received in this world continues in infinite circles.

 

"There are generations yet unborn whose very loves will be shifted and shaped by the moves you make and the actions you take today. And tomorrow, And the next day. And the next."

"Every Single Thing you Do Matters."

 

Andy Andrews~ The Butterfly Effect How your life Matters

 

I'm determined to make more ripples of good.

Chat Soon ~Laura

 

* Continue the conversation~Comment below or email - laurarudacille@gmail.com

 

*Please pass this post on to your friends! Connecting through common experience expands our "Me Too's" We're in it together and we're all in the process of Becoming.

 

#growthrusharing Meet me on FBook- AGR Hen House for enrichment and LIVE connection Sunday evening 7:45 PM EST

 

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